we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
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We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
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I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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