Pants 0. Shit 1.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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