I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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