when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
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I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
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I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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