Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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