i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize