Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize