On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
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Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
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We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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