theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
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I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
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Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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