Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
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Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
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Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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