My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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