She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize