Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
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I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
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Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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