My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
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We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
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i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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