you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
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I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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