i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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