I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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