So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
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He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
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Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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