He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
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Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
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I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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