I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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