Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
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This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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