i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
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Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
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