I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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