Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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