i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
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Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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