u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
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you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
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I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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