I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
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she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
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So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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