the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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