while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
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he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
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Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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