are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
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I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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