So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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