rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
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And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
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The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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