I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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