My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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