i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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