can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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