Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
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I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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