I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
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Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
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I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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