so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
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I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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