we have pet lesbian snakes
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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