my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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