I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
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I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
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I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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