he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
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He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
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The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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