So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
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Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
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you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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