my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
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And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
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Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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