I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
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i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
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Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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