Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
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I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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