About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
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It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
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Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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