I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What drink are we having for lunch?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize