I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
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I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
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That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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